Reflective Writing: Chapter 2 'Discovery'

During the Christmas break is where this stage of 'coming to terms' came for me. And this was coming to terms with the chronic pain and chronic damage of black people. Through watching YouTube videos introduced to me by my Mum I was exposed to things I've never heard nor considered to even think about. (First discovered from a video called 'Chronic Healing Pain with Howard Schubiner' A doctor named Howard Schubiner discussed chronic pain and its true causes.) He explained how much we believe all pain is simply structural, so black and white. For example, if we constantly experience back pain, we most times assume it must be due to the fact we're getting older, or perhaps we carry too many bags on our shoulders, or we've hit it on something etc.. However, pain is not so straightforward as we've been conditioned to believe it is, especially chronic pain in particular, such as back pains, headaches etc (which are one of the most common types of chronic pain, faced by many). Schubiner identifies that emotional pain too can be a cause of physical pain - (a discovery originally from Dr John E. Sarno.) Unfortunately, due to society & taught ideologies of pain, as human beings we almost all see or firstly see pain as something which is only caused physically. Schubiner explains that those who experience chronic pain in particular only focus on the physical pain they're feeling, through mostly trying to sort it out physically through surgeries, pills etc. Due to the assumption that it must be a physical cause, and, due to the conditioning of all pain being structural/caused physically. However, in effect this only extends the duration of the physical pain - making it chronic. As the emotional causes/the true causes for the physical pain are neglected and never acknowledged. Many believe that the mind and body are separate entities of its own, even I did! However, through learning about this discovery, I've learned that the mind and body is one whole system and always works together. (This is known as TMS - Tension myositis syndrome OR mind - body syndrome ----- name given by Dr John E. Sarno.)

As my Mum myself has had back pains for years, and nothing structural could ever be found. A definite cause could never be found. One doctor would say it's this & the other would say it's that. And the physical treatments they'd suggest would only give temporary relief, therefore the physical pain becomes chronic and just never went away. So this led my Mum to research what really is going on, and if is there a cause at all, or is it just magic!? What is the true cause of this chronic pain? Through more research, she found emotional pain is the cause, it's not structural at all. This made sense to my Mum. As people who had discovered this notion by Dr Sarno, once they learned themselves the chronic pain they were experiencing were all coming from a place of emotional pain, overtime the chronic pain went away. This is because physical treatments eg, pills, surgeries etc. only treats 'the symptoms' of the emotional pain/cause within - (chronic pain are symptoms of the emotional cause) As human beings we assume everything is structural due to our conditioning of all pain in society, but never think of neuro - causes from the mind, like emotional, it's completely disregarded.

This leads to the fact: an emotional phenomenon can bring physical pain. The real causes of chronic pain is all emotional, it's not always a physical cause (learned also from film - ALL THE RAGE (A FILM) - based on Dr Sarno's discovery of TMS and work.) originally Discovered by Dr Sarno - As the chronic pain in actual fact is repressed trauma. As John Sarno discusses within his theory that anyone who has chronic pain has had some form of childhood trauma, which results in a lifetime of repressed emotions/anger. When these emotions get repressed, they go nowhere, they stay in the body and manifest as chronic pain or any other chronic illnesses which aren't life threatening - but have no cure (for example, eczema, IBS, skin or stomach issues) . When/if in chronic pain ourselves it only distracts us from the real cause, we focus on it so much because of how painful it is. However, this only increases the pain further the more we avoid the emotional pain/cause. In avoiding the emotional pain/causes, the more we are repressing trauma/rage. We also experience pain as a defence mechanism for the rage we truly feel within/subconsciously. (links to Dr sarno's book - The Divided Mind) As rage and anger is something which is stigmatised in society - taught, conditioned and socialised from when we are children not to express. Anger has always been seen as a strong, unacceptable, intensely unpleasant emotion, in comparison to sadness, fear, happiness, disgust etc. Therefore due to the conditioning of anger, overtime we subconsciously choose not to truly feel anger, as a coping mechanism to not face the emotional pain - we feel it's difficult/too much to face or more painful than the chronic/physical pain itself. That we become emotionally unavailable to ourselves as emotions are seen in society, as too much, hard, and too intensely difficult to face. So those who have experienced trauma, childhood trauma etc. do not truly express/feel their rage/anger, which is really an appropriate emotion to feel for this case and for any other area, as all emotions are valid and are equally important. In effect this only increases repressed trauma, as it hasn't been properly processed. This is how its manifested into chronic pain. As a result chronic pain actually becomes preferable for us to focus on, rather than the emotional cause. So we unconsciously allow the pain to distract us, repressing the trauma in effect and not getting to grips with the emotional pain/cause of it all along.

I believe this strongly relates and bleeds into the experiences of black people in particular, but expressed differently. With identifying before in the last project 'TEXT' - black people, not having a true identity, or no identity at all, no core on the inside and just a walking black body. I now believe this state is fixed for a lifetime, but impurely. Due to black inferiority or negativity within blackness itself being so ingrained, (that it's even embedded within the words we use day to day, the English language and phrases we use, such as 'blackball, black book, black boy, black eye, *black friday* - which many don't know stems from a day during slavery, when slaves were sold for less, cheaper, so a sale day for slaves) , black hand, black heart, blackjack, black magic, black mail, black market, black sheep, black maria, black mark, little black sambo.' This is portrayed in Graphic Designer, Emmet McCbain's work called 'Black is Beautiful'. // Inferiority within blackness is also present with the names of countries like Nigeria - which many don't know 'Nigeria' actually stands for Nigger - land or means 'The Nigger Area' or 'Land of the black slaves' - as the black men there were known to be strongly built & were expert cotton farmers. Only wealthy plantation owners could afford slaves from "Nigeria". Many believe Nigeria is derived from 'River Niger', as that's what's predominantly taught. However, the deeper you go what gave River Niger its name in the first place is European Slave Traders & it was done for easy mappings. The river was the longest cutting across many black lands. So River Niger simply means the 'River of Niggers' I learned this from a documentary on Netflix called: 'Journey of an African Colony' // The sight of 'black' or 'black people' itself is impure, A fixed state of impurity. Its never been pure - *links to John Berger* of never seeing a sight for what it purely is, due to ideologies, interpretations, assumptions, associations constructed and attached) ----- This only stresses how severe, it's depths and how infinite black inferiority and the negative ideologies of black is in society that you can't even clearly pin point where or when it all started or can't even pinpoint when it will even end. it surpasses the physical entirely, all the way into the psychological. Due to its severity and depth, the damage it leaves on black people is chronic. Just part of the chronic damage left behind.

Due to this I feel black people will never get close to self or meet it, or true self. We're always experiencing a fixed state of pain. We're living in chronic physical pain - avoiding emotional pain/causes / repressing the trauma physically: through constant self-hatred of self, also, through constant control of our narrative through superiors/white culture and the constant switching, altering, switching, tweaking, manipulating, moulding, shifting, changing of our behaviours to multiple identities of superiors/white culture (imitation). Which all fall under a form of self - censorship. Which we do to be 'the acceptable black' in order to survive in society - Although, living through a false sense of self consciously or unconsciously is painful either way. (Perspecticide - Identity loss/absent identity, not knowing who you are - due to Constant censorship of identity. You lose your identity as result from pleasing the Narcissist to lessen the abuse, real self is never accepted, only abused - Narcissistic Abuse') This is our physical, more apparent, chronic pain we're under. That black people focus so much on these apparent, physical, chronic pains of self-censorship, that it will be very difficult to get to its causes, which is all emotional. These chronic pains are only the 'symptoms' of the emotional pain/cause inside. As the emotional cause/pain is that we have no identity/no core/empty shell, just a walking black body - the unresolved trauma. YET, EVEN IF we come to light, are aware of it all, solve it, we can grow from it. And the chronic pain we experience can be healed and stopped ultimately, but doesn't mean we'll ever FIND self, or get truly/completely close to self. (Links to and From: Jorja Smith album title - Lost and Found.) (She discussed the meaning of her album in an Apple Music interview with host Julie Adenuga) ..She discussed her journey from originally coming from Sweden and travelling to London to kickstart her Music career. She explains by being in a new area even though she felt 'lost', she knew she'd always find or be found. As at the same time she still knew where she was going and the direction she was going in, so there was an element of being 'found' too.) Yet I challenge this theme of lost and found myself, feeling like black people are never found, or truly found. Never FIND true identity. Always will live a life of disconnection. Never get to the origins of who we are. A fixed state of having no identity, a fixed state of impurity. As the damage is done. The black body itself only acts as an illusion of identity, with no core inside, just empty. So although the chronic pain of self-censorship can be healed from - (the repressed trauma resolved) by coming to light/terms that we have no identity, don't know who we truly are/Who we are due to superiors/white culture that black inferiority is so infinite - this is emotional pain/cause. Although this chronic pain overall can be resolved the scars and chronic damage of it all can never be repaired. As a result will never fully meet or FIND self/identity or true identity. //Yet always are chronically damaged.

That's why there is 'post-traumatic stress' then there is 'post-traumatic growth' as part of the healing process. The 'post traumatic' will always stay. Will never be just 'growth' on its own. As black people have been left in an impure state. The vision of blackness itself has been negatively constructed already, that it's too late. All we can do is grow, resolve the repressed trauma, the emotional pain/cause of the chronic pain we're living under. However, doesn't mean this repairs the chronic damage, again, it's too late, too constructed. It's irreversible and will be carried for a lifetime. Therefore, we'll never get to the origins of who who we are, our original state, never find self, or fully find it. Always lost, and was always lost to begin with, what it was clearly destined to be. Blackness was constructed as Impure from the beginning it started and still reigns today. - A fixed state of impurity, is the chronic damage.

The fact will never meet ourselves for what we PURELY are or for it purely was/as we are, or never FIND self/true self/identity, will never be connected to the original state & never have. Only emphasises we were impure from whenever it started, due to the amount of construction which has gone into the perception and interpretation of black itself as inferior in all facets by superiors/white culture. Plus, the psychological racism (pushed through their strong dominance in society)

This fixed state of impurity (never knowing our original state/core/no identity) points to the fact that there is irreversible brokenness within blackness/black people. Highlights the chronic damage, as It's purity has been broken from a beginning which will never be clear & simply unknown, neither the end of this all is clear and unknown - making black inferiority impure & infinite from whenever it started till now, and always. Therefore, blackness is fractured, fragmented. As broken people, raise broken children, and those broken children raise broken broken children - a cycle of brokenness. (Links to and from documentary on Toxic Masculinity by The Guardian, which discussed the brokenness of men and people from broken families etc.) So when this notion of brokenness is applied to black people - Though we can grow, we're always in fixed state of impurity - never whole nor in original state, don't even have an original state. The SCAR/DAMAGE will always be left behind, can't be reversed. Plus, our Core was never built to begin with to even know who we are. Whereas, superiors/white culture have had & have more of an opportunity to gain an identity, to build a core, a real/true identity. Therefore, We'll never FIND who we truly are/who we are purely or who we are at all. - The chronic damage we will carry & always live with.

Part of the chronic damage too is black people being irreversibly broken. It's like broken glass, when it's broken you can't repair the broken glass and make it return to the way it was originally. That glass is now impure. It'll always stay (fixed state) as broken, fractured pieces/cracks. You could put the pieces back together again, but it'll never look the same. Just cracked. Once you look into it your reflection is immediately deformed, distorted. That means its no longer just glass, but 'cracked' glass. This symbolises black people will never return to (will never be the same) or have true identity, or never had an identity to begin with - Always have been in a fixed state of impurity. The brokenness of black people is so infinite (no clear beginning to it nor end) that it's impossible to repair the chronic damage. Damage is done - as referred from Tupac's famous line.. Can only try and grow, heal from our chronic pain. Which is the Constant self-censorship. -----This acts as a metaphor of the chronic pain we're living in

Although, with the emotional pain of having no identity, Empty shell - repressed trauma. Even if we resolve the chronic/physical pain through focusing on the emotional cause/ the repressed trauma - (emotion pain/cause) its not bound by time or oppressed by time, it's something which will live on and continue to reign. As there’s No clear end or accurate beginning to the unknown identity/absent true identity of black people. It's therefore infinite, because it’s been influenced, by a lifetime of perception & conditioning. It has and always will be this way for black people. Which is the chronic damage we live with . (Like by the Artist, who makes video work with clocks, (we watched during diagnostic mode - discusses the consistencies of time being oppressive on us - exploring time in itself as something which oppresses humans day today) Also, the key part of the chronic damage is will never meet/find our self/true self/identity for what it purely was. We're in a fixed state of impurity. getting close to it, but never finding it. (linking to theme of Jorja Smith and her album Lost & Found) Getting close is as far as we'll ever get In comparison to Superiors/white culture. There are examples of black people who try to meet / FIND it. (Like Rapper/Musician: 'Dave', who has a song called 'Black'. Within the lyrics he evidently is searching and trying to get close to self/true self. Similarly to another Rapper/Musician: 'ENNY', she has a song called 'Peng Black Girls' which within the lyrics she makes an attempt too, to get close to self/identity/true identity) However, regardless of their attempts she and he make, they'll never meet/FIND self, as for black people as a whole, we are in a fixed state of impurity - irreversible brokenness. We can't reverse the taught black inferiority etc. - due to the brokenness, the infinite impurities of 'black' itself and the damage left behind.

DCP Specialism - 2nd Project: 'The Place We're In/You're In'

DCP Specialism - 2nd Project: 'The Place We're In/You're In'

Reflective Writing

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